just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
