I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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