why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
