matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
