Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
