Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
