Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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