Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
