Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
