Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
