I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
