fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
