Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
