I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
