I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
