I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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