True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
