I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
