i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
