Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I need a beard to bite.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
