Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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