Yo dont text me then not text me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
