I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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