Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
