i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
