If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
