guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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