I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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