I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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