There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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