From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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