either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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