We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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