Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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