you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
