My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
