Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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