thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
