You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
do nipples grow back?
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