he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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