I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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