I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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