Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
