i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The best revenge is premature balding
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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