I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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