walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
