My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
