Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
