The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
