so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
