And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
