Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
