Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
