You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
