My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
