He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
