Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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