party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
