Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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