You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
