in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
