I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Terrible idea I love it
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
