filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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