remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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