my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
