i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
