You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
