I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize